15 love bullets to kill the fury and save your relationship

*During conflicts think resolution not termination*

Well, it’s safe to assume that you got into a serious fight yet again with your spouse, little wonder you googled “how to stop fights in a relationship” well congratulations you have already done 50% of the job because you are in an unagitated state of mind and willing to take a pragmatic approach to resolve the ongoing conflict.

#1 Hey, Take It Easy Fights Are Healthy

Before we discuss the steps to end the fray between the two of you, let me tell you something interesting, you might think I’ve gone bonkers but here’s the reality: fights are healthy, they are very good and important for the growth of a relationship and to productively consolidate it, just as cement keeps two bricks together, fights also keep two loved ones together. It helps you know your partner better, relationship .what he or she  xperelationship.Excess of anything isn’t healthy, just like too much sugar might give you diabetes, if you only get all lovey-dovey and never fight, then it can mean either of the two things : either you are robots programmed not  to fight, or you are not serious with each other and your love isn’t deep enough.

To quote anonymous “Don’t worry if I fight with you, worry when I stop because it means that there’s nothing else left to fight for.” Fights are good because when they are over they make you feel love as if you have fallen in love with your partner for the first time. That“I love you babe” you say after a fight has been solved and you have overcome the risk of losing your beloved and the “I luv u” you say a million times a day are two entirely different things.  “Best relationships aren’t the ones without fights, but they are the ones when you aren’t afraid to fight because you know that the other person still be there at the end of it.

*Shhhhhh shut your nut!*

“Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.” —Andrea Wachter, marriage counselor

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Angry people are not always wise. Its better you remain silent when your spouse is angry and doesn’t seem interested in peaceful talks. During conflict one of the two partners have to be a bit chilled out, if both of you get all narked up then it will be difficult to solve the problem. Drink water, go out for a walk, turn on the television just do anything which would distract you and cool you down a little.

“Be calm in arguing for fierceness makes error a fault and truth discourtesy.” —George Herbert, poet

#2 I’m not going to change for anyone

Let us get something clear in our heads, we see a lot of self-obsessed ,self-centered people promoting things like “accept me the way I am or watch me as I go”. For the love of God never ever say this! This will have the same impact on your relationship what kryptonite has on superman, yes sir you heard that right. Don’t forget you are two imperfect , incomplete individuals yearning  for perfect love and look forward to complete each other. Don’t be egoistic and think you are at the peak of perfection and that you do not need to change for anyone.

A relationship is about : us and we and not about : I and me. There are two of you so it should be your duty to work upon yourself and change some habits if they are bothering your beloved and making him/her uncomfortable. You need to decide what is more important to you, your $ billion ego or your beloved. Remember he/she is your partner not your slave Dobby from that Harry Potter movie.

#3 Walk in her shoe

She has left her family, that castle she spent more than two decades of her life ever since she let out her first cry. She is looking after your family, kids, giving birth to children, many a times she does not even get to decide the name of the kids, does all the work, takes up all the stress and yet, welcomes you with a smile. Let her vent her anger out,she needs to do it. If you don’t allow that to happen then this might leave her dissatisfied with you and she might start complaining to a third person and this will jeopardize your bond.

#4 Don’t go to bed without solving things

Until and unless you think that a break is necessary then try to solve the matter before going to sleep. You don’t want to get dreams about your girl moving on with one of those creepy vultures stalking her since ages or neither you want your man to go to some other girl or get drifted away. Its better you solve the issue, forgive each other and go to sleep with that “I love you, goodnight ,muuuaaah!” (sounded creepy ? yeah right judge me as if you don’t)

#5 Bring gifts or take her out

When things go south, you take her out! Yes but before that you go out for a walk alone, calm yourself down even if you need that 13 rupees nicotine kick take it, but cool down first. Buy something  for her, doesn’t have to be an expensive diamond ring! Her favorite ice cream would do the trick, or a rose , maybe an apology card with some chocolates, take her out to her favourite place to eat or order something she likes to eat if you don’t have the energy to go out.

#6 Where did I go wrong ?

During a fight you have to think from a third person point of view , evaluate, the situation, think where you went wrong, wear your partner’s lenses and look at yourself. You will know how to go about it.

#7 Write a diary

Make a habit of writing about the good qualities of your partner and the beautiful moments you spent with one another. During fights if you read it, your anger will  recede substantially. You should also look at pictures of both of you together, these things will remind you of the time when you loved each other so much and never thought of going apart.

#8 The fight or your partner?/ self-respect v/s hollow ego

Make up your mind , what is more important to you? what makes you happier? Is it your partner or your ego. It is also important to differentiate between ego and self-respect. Let us avoid the blame game, we often remain adamant, behave egoistically and don’t make the first move whilst accusing the other half of being egoistic. Did you take the initiative or not ?

#9 Cultural problems/ upbringing

If both of you are from different cultures or have been raised differently you need to give your partner that time to change, this won’t happen instantly, it is a gradual process, you have to be patient.

#10 Brush it off your sleeves

Please put aside your “I am offended” buzzer aside, don’t go on fighting over petty issues all the time. You need to be a little tolerant and ignore little things. But do raisethe issue if it’s a serious one.

#11 Don’t blame each other’s family

 

Don’t say what you’re going to regret. Don’t drag each other’s parents or loved ones into your fight. Never use foul language against them .Give the respect they deserve. If you don’t show respect towards his/her family and display hostility then behold! You will lose your partner.

#12 Couple’s therapy

Go to a relationship counselor along with your partner, this will be very beneficial. Don’t be shy, share everything so that you can get the best advice.

#13 Take a break to avoid a breakup

Excessive familiarity leads to distress. If you are talking to your partner the entire day and till the third of the night, you are bound to have problems. You should give each other that space. When you are not with one another you will realize what you both mean to each other when you start missing him/her.

#14 Peace talks!

“Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” —Rumi, ancient poet

Now when the cold war is over between you two and you’ve decide not to act USA and USSR anymore, sit and talk about the matter in detail,
tell your partner what you think was wrong and listen to your partner’s point of view. Both of you will sound much more intelligent and sensible when you are chilled out than in a fit of rage.

#15 Seek help

If you think that the two of you are unable to solve a conflict then its better you ask someone to intervene. That person should have the confidence of both the partners.

(Written by: Shaikh Junaid Bin Ejaz, Graduate in English literature from Jamia university.Currently teaches English and psychology to  International school students and is an entrepreneur.)